May 10, 2012

Emotional Puddle

It is really hitting me lately that our days as a family of three are numbered. I know that we will adapt and that having this second baby will be one of the best gifts I could ever give Lily (just ask my sister, she ADORES me. Every second. Right Em?), but I am not looking forward to the transition period. It breaks my heart to even think about Lily being sad for a millisecond. The other day Ryan talked about her trying to play with some older kids at the park who kind of ignored her and I LOST IT. Yes, pregnancy hormones and all that, but isn't that just the saddest thing you ever heard? My precious sweet innocent little girl just wants to play and they ignored her? Here I go again. Pool of tears. Anyway, it will be even harder when I know it was our decision to have another baby that is causing her grief. Ack. I can't even type without crying. I'll just leave you with this quote Therese posted this on her blog the other day when I, again, became a giant pool of tears



LOVING TWO

I walk along holding your two year old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you? Then she is born and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't." Knowing, in fact, that I never can again. You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times-- only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you-- as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you- - only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you- -you each have your own supply. I love you- - both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. -Author Unknown

Heartbreaking.

 

14 comments:

  1. MalloryMusingMay 10, 2012

    Way to make me cry first thing in the morning! I am in the same boat as you know. Last weekend my when we were at a family gathering Aubrey wanted to play with her big cousins but my bratty 5 year old niece got the idea of running away from her and screaming every time she caught up with them. At first she thought it was funny and then she was confused. Umm yeah- I totally yelled at my niece for it.

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  2. Emily JohnsonMay 10, 2012

    Don't worry, sister. I'm sure that there was some jealousy when you were born, but I don't remember it. All I remember is getting you. And you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. <3

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  3. Oh my. I had these EXACT same feelings when I was pregnant (as you remember). And when we brought Easton home, I saw how it was affecting Bennett and I had a pretty major meltdown one night. Like the waterworks were never ending. I felt so bad for Bennett, guilty that it was my fault he was feeling left out and confused. BUT luckily, it's been 6 weeks now and he's finally starting to understand that Easton is a part of our family now. (post about this coming). And now he actually wants to interact with him and we are starting to experience those sweet brother moments that we've always heard about. And now?? I can't WAIT for them to grow up together. Don't worry, it will take time at first but Lily will love her little sister and it will get better, a little bit at a time!

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  4. Baaaaaaaah - now I'm crying. It's amazing that instead of sharing your heart, your heart actually gets bigger when you have another baby. My mom told me this and I trust her 110%.

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  5. Sorry to make you cry! I am sure you are having a lot of the same worries as I am!

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  6. THAT made me cry even more. Love you sister.

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  7. It makes me so happy to hear that the boys are already acting like brothers. You are such a good mama.

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  8. My mom says the same thing and I completely believe her, it is just so hard to comprehend and I wish we could just skip over the confused/jealous/sad phase right to the happy sister phase :). Sorry I made you cry, you don't even have pregnancy hormones to blame! ;)

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  9. Kiara BuechlerMay 10, 2012

    Oh my, that had me in tears. And here I had sat down to write a happy post, I may need to wait a bit. Sigh.

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  10. Sorry Kiara!!! I'll look forward to your happy post!

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  11. that's so true. i'm sure there will be rough patches but siblings are awesome (in my experience) :)

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  12. It is heartbreaking! But, the transition, pain, and sadness will be temporary and having a sibling will far outweigh NOT having one, don't you think? I'm so thankful I'm not an only child. :) Lily is going to be a great big sister!

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  13. I know that is totally true. I'll just have to get through the yucky sad parts :)

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