Three

This kid turned three on Sunday.

Three. Take a moment to process that.

I promise to come back and write about how we celebrated, but for now just sdgjbdljkgdljkrgnkjdnvk WHAT IS LIFE?! Time is a b word.

Shy

My shy girl. 

Lily has always been shy, or perhaps the best way to describe her is wary. Wary of new people and new situations. Once she warms up she is all in, but somehow something is ingrained in her to be careful, cautious, perhaps even suspicious of the unknown. I have struggled a bit with whether I should push her or let her find her own way into things. I didn’t have to wonder for long because besides being cautious, this kid is also very strong willed. There will be no pushing allowed, maybe some gentle nudging, but that is as far as I get. It is tough as a parent, I don’t want her to be a weenie who never tries anything new or cries over seemingly inconsequential things. At the same time, she often surprises me. She is the first one to go up to other kids at the park and ask them to play. Fortunately she is blissfully unaware that putting yourself out there can backfire. I hope it stays that way.

But, I worry. I worry because sometimes she plays happily for an hour and a half at the gym daycare, and sometimes she makes it 10 minutes before she is inconsolable. When I ask her what is wrong she pretends that she hurt herself or she doesn’t feel good. I don’t want her to feel like she has to hide the fact that she just missed me or was scared to be on her own. I worry because she is starting preschool in September and OMGWHATIFSHECRIES!? I know that she will change and someday grow out of it. I want that to happen and at the same time I don’t. Part of me loves how much she needs me and maybe I’m not ready for her to grow up and get over it. The rest of me is not insane and knows it is good for her and part of becoming an independent tiny person.

As I was searching my files for this draft post, I came across an old blog post by my friend Sarah. Sarah was my English teacher in high school back when she was just a baby, but now I gratefully call her my friend. Her blog is hilarious and I am sure that, once her book is published, it will be magnificent. It was this post however that gave me what I needed today. I read this post back when it was first published, but at the time I had no context for it in my own life. I thought it was sweet and funny and smart, but then it got lost in the jumbles of my cluttered mind. Going back today it was like a light bulb lit right over my head. Actually, it was like that wall of light bulbs in the movie Chicago, the one Renee Zellweger and Catherine Zeta Jones shoot at, popping all the bulbs? That, but before the bulb-shooting. Lots of light bulbs, I digress.

Go read the post, I’ll wait.

... 

THIS.IS.ME.

I need to step back and look at this from a different angle. So what if my kid cries easily, she’s passionate. Her heart is so big that her tiny body can’t handle all of her emotions and they must come streaming out of her face in liquid form. So what if she is wary of new situations, she is cautious, she thinks before she acts, she is deliberate. These are not traits I should try to control or hide or change. I need to embrace my kid as she is, because what she is is awesome.

I’m going to do my best to learn how to mother her through this, whether it is a stage or just her personality. I will do my best not to apologize or explain away her behavior to other parents because WHO CARES? Yes, my kid cries when she hears loud noises, but YOUR kid pushes people off of the monkey bars! Let’s go have a giant martini because parenting is hard and we are just doing the best we can.

My philosophy is this: as long as I come from a place of loving the sh*t out of my kids, a place of the best intentions, that is all that I can do. Yes I put thought into my parenting, yes I seek out advice and look to women I trust for help, but sometimes I just have to give myself a break.

To me she seems so big, but really, she is still very little. I am always fighting the urge to miss my girls being smaller, or looking forward to when they are bigger. They are only this age for this moment and I must force myself to see them and say this, THIS is my favorite age. Right this very second. And it is.

Sometimes I just stop and look at her, at this little person she is becoming, and I am so proud. This little thing that loves so very big.

 Linking up with Mandy over at A Sorta Fairytale

Wordless Wednesday: Pink Stripes

Sandboxes and Easter Bonnets. It's how we roll.

Linking up for Wordless Wednesday with The Paper Mama, 5 Minutes for Mom, Parenting By Dummies, Project Alicia, Live and Love Out Loud, Naptime Momtog, and Jenni from the Blog.

Life Lately

This is what we have been up to...

I love this life.

That One Time We Went to the Aquarium

I can't believe I never posted this. I am behind in posts, but generally ahead in life right now, so I'll call it a win.

Once Upon a Time we went to the aquarium. Lily freaked the freak out. The End.

They were doing a spot for Evening Magazine. Girlfriend was all up in their business trying to be famous.

Oh hey family picture!

Being awesome is exhausting.

Having an almost 3-year-old is kind of awesome. Remind me I said that when she is going crazy over wanting to wear THESE shoes, not THOSE shoes! Heaven forbid!

Wordless Wednesday: Mila's 6 Month Photo Shoot

My littlest is 7 months old today! In celebration, here are the pics we had taken last month. Holy squishy baby!

{Yes I know it is still Tuesday, but people post the link-ups early, so why not!}

 

{All photos by Amber Brickman Photography}

 

Linking up for Wordless Wednesday with The Paper Mama, 5 Minutes for Mom, Parenting By Dummies, Project Alicia, Live and Love Out Loud, Naptime Momtog, and Jenni from the Blog.

Thoughts on Two

Two the number of kids? Two the age? Two cookies? Where is she going with this? In response to those questions asked by you, invisible person in my head, I say: crazy, crazy, not crazy.

In all honesty, having two kids is hard. I wouldn't change it for one second and it gets easier every day, but I'm not lying, it's hard. The other day I asked Ryan if he remembered what it was like having only one kid. He said something along the lines of watching more TV... thanks husband. I guess what I'm saying is that we are in pursuit of the new balance. When you have your first baby all of your priorities shift. It isn't all about you anymore (wait it isn't about ME?!), but as your kid gets older you figure out how to carve out a space for yourself, for your friends, for your marriage, for your abs. Ok, not that last one. Then you have another kid and everything is off balance again. Sure there is plenty of room in my heart to love two babies, but is there room in my day? Well the answer is yes, but until you figure out the new balance other things have to be sacrificed. My house is a disaster, some days I only see Ryan in passing as we tag team bed time, and my feet haven't seen sneakers non-ironically in weeks.

The hardest thing for me by far has been sacrificing one-on-one time with Lily. Because I am nursing, we have sort of fallen into the easy habit of me being with Mila all the time and Ryan being with Lily all the time. Of course a lot of times we are all together or I have both kids by myself, but I rarely have time with just Lily anymore and it kills me. She has always been a daddy's girl and I know she obviously loves her mama, but it has changed the dynamic in our house even if only temporarily. If I tell her she can't do something she cries for Daddy, when he comes home from work the mom-snuggle rate drops drastically, and the other day (it kills me just to write this) when I asked Lily, "Do you love Mommy?" she responded: "You love Mila and I love Daddy." Talk about mom guilt! There may have been tears, none of them were hers. We are making efforts to change it up and things are already feeling more normal. Ryan loves spending time with Mila and I miss my big girl, so yeah, balance is being pursued.

I think back to when we first had Lily and how difficult of a change it was for me. Before she arrived we were individual people who, with some obvious constraints, could pretty much do as we pleased. Want to  sit on the couch all weekend eating only chips? Go for it! Drink half a bottle of wine by yourself whilst in the tub? Have at it! (I also did normal things). Suddenly you are not only responsible for another human, but said tiny human basically dictates your life. Drastic change. Now that there are two of those tiny humans in my house I'm all "what was I complaining about!?" Any moment I have just one kid at a time now feels like vacation! "Hey Lily, want to take a spontaneous drive to Mexico?" Done. I guess what I'm saying is I wish I knew what it was like to have three children so I could know just how easy I have it right now.

At the same time, having two kids is better than I ever imagined. Lily has been enamored with Mila since the moment she laid eyes on her. I have never heard or seen a single resentful or jealous moment pass between them. As Mila becomes more and more interactive I can see her adoration of Lily, her eyes dart to keep up with the crazy toddler happenings and just a glance from Lily can elicit heartfelt belly laughs. It is amazing. I love going out as a family of four, it feels right, I feel proud of this little bunch of crazies. Cliche, cliche, my heart is full, etc.

Some days I miss my husband being my husband and not just my co-parent, but these days are short and soon enough we will find that elusive balance again, I just know it.