June 25, 2015

8 Tips for Surviving the Workday on No Sleep

*I originally wrote this post for liberatingworkingmoms.com on October 16, 2014. 
I am now placing it here for safe keeping.*

A couple of weeks ago my oldest daughter had a terrible cold. After being up with her three nights in a row, I was facing a workday with my brain functioning at about 12%. I tried googling tips for staying awake at work, but everything I read was profoundly unhelpful. As a gift to working moms everywhere, I have come up with a more realistic list. Here are 8 tips for surviving the workday on no sleep.

1.  Caffeine is good for you, drink as much as possible! The shaking means it’s working.
2.  If you are in a meeting and having trouble focusing, try mentally adding up the snippets of sleep you had last night in order to get a terrifyingly small total. Your look of concentration and mild distress will give the impression that you are engaged.

3.  Take your daughter to work day! She kept you up all night, she can surely keep you up all day.

4.  Immediately following lunch, grab your stomach and walk swiftly to the bathroom. Take a 20-minute nap while sitting on the toilet. Trust me, no one will question where you’ve been.

5.  Have an office with a door that shuts? Two words: Ostrich Pillow.

6.  When anyone is speaking to you, keep your eyes open as wide as possible. Nodding and frequent thumbs-up gestures will help them believe you are listening.

7.  Wear really uncomfortable shoes. Nothing keeps you awake like stabbing bunion pain.

8.  Scour the globe for your exact doppelganger. Pay her to come to your office and pretend to be you for a couple of hours so you can go take a nap. Better yet, pay her to come to your house, feed your family dinner, put the kids to bed, and let your four year old cough in HER face all night. Proceed to the nearest hotel and sleep for 12 hours straight. Wake up in the morning and head to work refreshed and fancy.

You are welcome.

Disclaimer: This advice is not meant for actual use, though that Ostrich Pillow seems nice.


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