December 7, 2012

Supreme Ruler of the Universe: A List

In non-child-rearing-related news, here are a few things I will make absolute law if I ever become Supreme Ruler of the Universe. (Let’s be honest, that will never happen, there are too many questionable pictures of me out there on the internet.)

 Thanks Facebook. 
{You are telling me you could meet someone dressed as "Gaytoven" and NOT take a picture with his bedazzled underoos?}


1. If someone orders a peppermint mocha at Starbucks, do not ask whether or not they want whipped cream. The drink clearly comes with whipped cream. If I didn’t want whipped cream I would say “no whip.” Now that you pointed out the possibility I obviously have to get my drink without whipped cream so as not to appear gluttonous, thank you. Special points go to the guy who asked me how I FELT about whipped cream, to which I replied, “I feel good about it.” 

2. All of the grown women in a family will have the same size feet. The fact that my mom, sister, and I cannot share shoes is the great tragedy of our time. 

3. When merging on the freeway, if someone slows down to let you in you are required to give a friendly “thank you” wave. If you hesitate a few seconds before you wave and I fly into a premature rage, I’m sorry man, I totally jumped the gun there. 

4. While at work, if you spot someone trying to discretely stash their freshly-pumped breastmilk in the fridge, you are not allowed to make conversation. Please turn and leave, this is awkward for both of us. 

5. If you are a mom at the playground and you hear a little girl go up to your kid and say “Hi I’m Lily, what’s your name?” and your kid ignores her, you are required to bribe your kid with ice cream or threats of “No Dora” so they will play with her. I don’t care if they are older and think a two-year-old can’t play their game. Look how cute she is. Listen to her say “want to play with me?” Stop breaking my heart.

Ok, so those last two were child-rearing-related, sue me.


  1. Gahhh! The room I pumped in, and will pump in soon, at work is right off the cafeteria, so EVERY time I walked out of the room one of the women eating lunch HAD to say something about it. This went on for almost a year. SUPER FREAKING ANNOYING.

  2. How are you doing being back to work, by the way?

  3. I had a guy try and talk to me while I was washing pump parts ABOUT my pump and that his daughter was breastfeeding too. No thanks sir, go back to your desk now. And I can't stand it when my little guy tries to talk to older kids and then ignore him. Makes me so sad.

  4. Ha ha how am I just now seeing this post? Hilarious and TRUE


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